Ever since I was a young teenager with a combined five hairs under my armpits, my friends and I have enjoyed a constant competition to create the funniest away message. Lately, I’ve been too busy to play an active role in this competition, but in the spirit of fun-loving web 2.0 and Facebook’s new instant messaging service, I’ve compiled a list of my ten favorite away messages. Thanks to my boy Josiah for generating half of these – the kid’s got a brain the size of a cantaloupe.

Without further ado, I present you with The Best 10 Away Messages Ever Written By Man, Woman, Or Asshole

10) I’m out like a fat kid in a game of dodgeball.

9) I am not available because I am playing a computer game that takes up a good portion of the screen. In fact, just enough to obscure your IM.

Just say: “I don’t know” to drugs.

7) Up, up, and away message.

6) Remember the time I told you you were cool? That was opposite day.

5) I’m out like Steven Hawking in a game of Twister. (I know… I’m going to hell.)

4) My other away message is a Cadillac.

3) Ask me about my away message.

2) I am not available because I am playing games with your mind. Think about that one.

1) I’m busy studying. Or as they say in the porn business, “looking at porn.”

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Runners Up:

• “Brian, I have a really good idea. Would you be interested in
  hearing me out?” [Gary Lew]

• “Yes..YES… sharks with laser beams!!! Its perfect! Muahahahahah!” [Brandon Hoffer]

• “Hmmmm I’m starting to think I made a big mistake buying this mac book air. “[Destin L]

• Even Kevin Rose is not immune to goatse. [Matthew Hughes]

The first runner up is (to take the place of winner if it can’t fulfill its duties):

So thats what the one cup is for!” [David W]

And the winner is….

“Two inches in just seven days”

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Boys and girls, chickity check it.

It seems like every day I meet another shmoe-rag who thinks his crackpot scheme or backdoor shinanagan constitutes what me, you, and Webster - you know, the guy who created that dictionary thing - understand to mean a “business.” In tribute to these shmoe-rags, who secretly hold a dear place in my heart, I present you with a shmoe-rific top 10 list, entitled: Top Ten Signs Your Start-Up Business Is Actually A Glorified Hobby.

Without further ado, the list….

10. Your office phone is shaped like Mickey Mouse.

9. The last “important” fax you received was a picture of your step-brother’s bare ass.

8. The only freelance worker you routinely employ is the Pizza Hut delivery boy.

7. Your office space doubles as your reception area and you parents’ bedroom.

6.  Nobody except you showed up to your office Christmas party, but everybody on the invitation list was there.

5. Your official website is your Facebook profile.

4. The only service you offer is photo-shopping pornographic pictures, but you still describe your business as “the next Microsoft.”

3. Your executive summary consists of only one sentence: “I am awesome.”

2.  Two of your childhood invisible friends sit on your board of directors.

1. Your clients regularly pay you with Monopoly money.

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Not all marketing pays dividends. Here’s an example that’s bound to bring a delicious smile to your face:

Despite a jam-packed three weeks of promotion for Paris Hilton’s new film The Hottie and The Nottie, the opening weekend numbers were complete cow dung. A romantic comedy starring Hilton, Joel David Moore, and Christine Lakin, it opened Friday to $9,000 on 111 screens, or $81 per screen, according to Box Office Mojo.

For those keeping track on the Paris Hilton temperature scale, that’s NOT hot. In fact, it’s colder than a Eskimo’s refrigerator. Basically, 2-3 people were watching her film, on average, each screening. The weekend gross tumbled in at $27,000. Meanwhile, according to the New York Post, she got “paid $100K to have her 25th birthday at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas.” So don’t worry about the princess going broke.

The only comparable box office disaster is Jessica Simpson’s 2007 “star vehicle” Blonde Ambition, which averaged $48 per screen on a Friday opening for a total box office of $384. The film grossed $6,422 domestically before – thank God!/ at long last!/please kill me! – it came to DVD.

Paris had premiered the film in Hollywood and Dallas, appeared in Philadelphia, at Harvard University, and the Sundance Film Festival, and even shmoozed on talk shows such as the Late Show with David Letterman. And even with all that marketing effort, she still couldn’t get people to watch her movie. What did I tell ya? Marketing ain’t easy.

So what does all this mean for the old marketing adage: does sex still sell? Probably. But sometimes content gets in the way.

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Inspired by my post on The Correlation Between Moustaches, Hollywood, and Venture Capital Funding, my buddy Graeme created a hilarious video that’s posted below. Graeme is a talented screenwriter and voice over extraordinaire who, by day, picks up phones at one of Hollywood’s biggest production companies. Basically, he serves the man until his big break gets broken.

The video showcases Daniel Plainview, played by DD Lewis in “There Will Be Blood,” explaining the necessity of his entrance into the 2008 presidential race. He will bring us not only blood, but YOGURT. That’s right. Yogurt. Watch the vid and find out how/why. You won’t regret it.

More of Graeme’s vids at www.squakhead.com

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